Previous Entry in this Series:
This is my story about how I got to be where I
am today. I've seen complaints from people who read these types of stories that,
“they all start the same,” referring to the fact that most people set forth
their Mormon Pedigree. But let me tell you why we do this: because there are
common accusations that are lobbed at people who leave the church. The most
common of these epithets are that “they never REALLY had a testimony,” or “they
just didn't read their scriptures and pray enough,” or “they were just too lazy
to keep the rules,” or even, “they just want to sin.”
John Dehlin (who has
gotten much more famous recently due to his pending church discipline)
interviewed over 3,000 people who recently left the LDS church and polled them on
their reasons and
summed it up in a very informative YouTube video. The reason
we set this forth is to show that we really gave Mormonism a fair shake, and really
believed it until we found out the truth.
So on to my pedigree/story. It’s quite long because I am
including a lot of details that were “red flags” even though I didn't recognize
them at the time. Camilla Kimball introduced the concept of "the shelf," where good latter-day saints put their unanswered questions and concerns to worry about later (by which she meant the afterlife). Things that went on my shelf will be in red. Also, I mention several different bishops and stake presidents, so I've named them something that distinguishes them from each other, but obviously not their real names.
My Story
I was born in the covenant (BIC) to a good,
multi-generational LDS family of 5 boys. Both sides of my family were LDS, and
for the most part active. Family gatherings often involved the usual discussion
of their respective wards/stakes and the church as a whole, infrequently mixed
in with the latest faith-promoting lie. Occasionally the family history charts
would come out, or a very interesting discussion on any recent fulfillment of
any “signs of the times,” which more often than not were just rumors that
scared people into being more faithful. Growing up in
eastern Oregon, there
were enough members around to have multiple wards, a singles branch, and a
Spanish branch in a small town of about 10,000 people. A rough estimate puts my
town at about 7 to 8 percent active LDS members. We were prevalent enough to
warrant a dedicated seminary building across the street from the only high
school in town, complete with release-time seminary so we didn't have to get up
at the butt crack of dawn.
That’s not to say that Mormons were welcome in every
setting. Prior to the seminary building being bought, apparently there was a public
showing of The Godmakers in the high school gymnasium, for what I assume was
for the purpose of preventing the seminary building sale from going through.
Also, after being built there was a threat phoned into the seminary’s answering
machine stating that any high school students caught wearing a CTR ring would
have that finger cut off (though this story may have been embellished by my
seminary teacher – I have no proof of it happening or not).
I would say that I was somewhat naïve and sheltered, and
didn't learn much about religion other than my own. I always had a liking of
science, and like any boy, immersed myself in the world of dinosaurs. One day
while watching a video on them, I experienced some cognitive dissonance with
how the ages of the dinosaurs fit with what it says in the Book of Genesis. I
was always an analytical thinker and came up with a solution that solves the
issue and presented it to my mom. I was shot down pretty quickly, and thought I
needed to go back to the drawing board on that one. I continued to work on the
problem of reconciling a young earth with what science said about the Big Bang,
evolution, paleontology, and geology until my early twenties (but more on that
later). Each time I think I had a way of keeping both beliefs it was usually dashed
to pieces by something said in General Conference.
When I was around 10, one night my family was watching Jeopardy!
A question came up on a religion founder who had multiple wives. The contestant
responded with, “Who is Joseph Smith?” When Alex Trebek didn't correct the man,
I looked at my parents like, “WTF?! How can they let that show get away with
spreading lies about him like that?!”
Instead they confirmed that Smith had,
indeed, participated in Polygamy. Later I told that to some of my friends at
church but some didn't believe it.
One day while looking at the religious awards in my Cub
Scout book, I found out about the
RLDS church, but learned no details other
than it was a “splinter” group.
I had been "inoculated" against a few of the typical "anti-mormon" lies and common criticisms of the church. I learned to tell people the temple was "sacred, not secret," and that we didn't have horns on our heads. Multiple times I had learned about the Three Witnesses leaving the church, but it was not a big deal because they never denied their testimony of it. I refuted that pioneers used to throw their extra wives off the temple roof into the Great Salt Lake. That was about the extent of what I assumed the outside world thought of the mormons. Other than that, we were a great, family-first church with nothing to hide.
I occasionally asked questions to my church leaders and parents that didn't have good answers. I kinda perused through books like The Miracle of Forgiveness for the story on Cain being the Sasquatch, or through McConkie's Mormon Doctrine. I also remember asking the question about the word, "Adieu" being in the Book of Mormon, but being reassured that it's because it was the best word that Joseph Smith could think of for the Hebrew word that was originally written.
The Middle and High School Years
When I turned 12, I faithfully did my church duties, and never
complained about passing the sacrament, prepping it, or blessing it. In fact, I
was usually the one to do most of the prepping and blessed most often because
my dad liked to get to church early. Like all the LDS kids in my ward,
I had regular interviews with Bishop Postman, some of which included asking me about masturbation.
I Went to Boy Scouts, and earned my Eagle
(with the push of my mom, like a lot of LDS boys). I went to seminary every day
except a couple days my freshman year and never missed after that. I saw some
of the less devoted kids skipping class, or pulling the usual shenanigans and
couldn't understand why they didn't want to be there. I know some of them felt
forced to attend, but I never felt that way. During my time there I was made
Class President one year, and later appointed to be a member of the Seminary
Council.
In church, I was taught about how what a good mormon girl
wants is an Eagle Scout, faithful Aaronic (and later Melchizedek) priesthood
holder, return missionary, and temple marriage, and that I was to control the
“
factory” going on inside of me. By saving myself (kisses included) I would be
a “great catch” and should have girls swarming all over me once I got home from
my mission.
Around age 15, I started reading the Book of Mormon on my own (in addition to the regular family study we did). I had a
pretty good understanding of the narrative, and soon had no confusion about which
characters were where, and how all the different plates fit together. I prayed
about it and got what I assumed was the answer. It was odd, though, because my
answer felt just like when I pulled the
Master Sword out of its pedestal on the
Legend of Zelda games, or (later) when
Rudy took the field for the final two
plays of the game, or when
Sauron’s Tower was going down.
Why is it that these
movies and games could so accurately mimic the spirit, if that’s what it was? Every once in a while I would have a thought that would trouble me based on the Book of Mormon text. I used scriptures in Third Nephi to base my opinion on abortion (Jesus talked to Nephi the day before he was born).
I also came across a scripture that started talking about Jesus' ministry in the past tense, only to read the next sentence that said he was talking about things as though they already were (Mosiah 6:16).
At school, I had a few of different “cliques” that I hung
around with. One was the really good mormon kids who went to seminary, one was
a group of good Christian kids who all went to different churches, and
occasionally it was the boys from my ward. But mostly I hung out with the
Christian kids and was the token Mormon in their group. Occasionally religion
would come up and we’d discuss the differences and similarities of our denominations.
Several times they drew a chart that showed which churches split off from which
and when. I thought it funny that they all knew their church wasn't the
original (Catholic) but didn't think that it implied theirs wasn't the “one,
true” church. The concept of the “one and only, true, living church upon the
face of the earth” had been taught to me so much that I assumed everyone felt
that THEIRS was the only one. Later I would learn the folly of my naiveté when
I researched other Christian faiths. They never attacked the church
per se, but
had questions that I tried to answer and defended it as much as I could.
As a way of extending an olive branch to 2 of my friends, I
would accompany them to see their Youth Minister at their church which happened
to be right behind the school. Once I even gave him a copy of a triple
combination because he was curious about the Book of Mormon. I had hoped that
they would return the favor and come see the Seminary building/teacher (they
never did). But I always remembered to put the best spin on everything because it
was my responsibility to bring them the truth. It wasn't like I was a
completely different person around “non-members,” but there were a couple
things that I would let my guard down about when I was hanging out with the
boys from my ward or whatever. I also never drank a caffeinated drink because it was impressed upon me that it was against the Word of Wisdom.
When I was 16, I got my Patriarchal Blessing. I was curious
about the process, and was going to use it as a way to “test” his fortune
telling abilities. I hadn't planned on giving him information beyond the normal
pleasantries, but my mom had accompanied me and in the course of our
conversation
revealed quite a bit to him that magically appeared in my blessing. I've
since learned about what
hot and
cold readings are in the psychic business,
and this was definitely a hot reading. (
Years later, my brother was kind
enough to type up all of the Patriarchal Blessings for my family, and oddly
enough, they were all pretty similar. By contrast, my mom and dad’s were both different from ours, but similar to each other's because
they had the same patriarch, naturally.)
My dad started going less active, after having been a strong member (in the YM and SS Presidencies most recently). I'm not really sure what started it all, at some point I felt that it was my duty to be a good example to both him and my brothers. When my brother turned 8, I performed his baptism ceremony.
I had the opportunities to go to EFY and such, but never
wanted to. I was dedicated enough to attend church/seminary faithfully, Mutual/Scouts
almost every week, as well as the youth firesides they held every once in a while,
but going to even MORE church didn't seem like a lot of fun when compared to a
Super Nintendo. One fireside I
remember had
Del Parsons, the painter of the most famous picture of Christ in
the LDS church, speaking about his experiences as a church artist. He told us
flat out that the faith-promoting lie about the
unveiling of that painting was
utterly false.
This was a little disconcerting, since I had felt the Spirit™ when
I had heard the story originally. Also, during that time period, I became aware of the
Facsimiles in the Book of Abraham and looked at them during sacrament meetings and wondered
deeply about their interpretations and the parts that had not yet been
revealed.
During my senior year at Seminary, my seminary teacher was
teaching about the New Testament. We ended up discussing the conception of
Christ and he told us that God works in natural ways,
but not to think too
deeply about it. Meanwhile, I had started learning about the internet worked. I
found out about mIRC, a chat program. I quickly found the #mormon channel and
started participating in the board. Occasionally I would help defend the faith
when people would come on asking questions or trying to “bible bash” with us. I
made quite a few good online friends that way, and one of them was a man named
Demosthenes, who was a virtual walking church history book. But I later found
out that he claimed that he was Mormon, but not LDS. He belonged to The
Churchof the Firstborn, another splinter group that didn't come west. I didn't know
about any splinter groups other than the RLDS, so I was confused and asked Bishop Librarian about it. He went into some deep doctrine from the D&C which
confused me more until he realized I was talking about a splinter group.
My Seminary teacher started the concept of “Missionary Week,”
where we would wear church clothes to school all week long as a way of getting
our proverbial foot in the door. The plan was that when people would ask us why
we were dressed up we could use it as an opportunity to tell them about the
church and seminary. I’ll admit that I wasn't looking forward to it. I liked
the concept of sharing the gospel, but I was always worried about rejection or
what someone would think of me that I never wanted to make the first move. I figured once I was in a foreign country that
fear/concern would go away (it did). Anyway, the first day I had a classmate
who started making fun because he noticed it was the three mormon kids in class
who were dressed up. He asked sarcastically if it was Joseph Smith’s birthday
or something. My teacher (non-member), to his credit, stepped up and ripped this guy a new one. I liked that this kid got put into his place, but it further served
as proof of the “persecution” I was told to expect. I’d had a few other
experiences like that, such as when someone made fun of the kids who were
walking across the street to the seminary building.
Other times there wasn't
really persecution, but I saw it as such because I had been conditioned to look
for it. All of those experiences confirmed that this was, in fact, the Lord’s
true church™ and that is why Satan is persecuting it.
One night during the summer, I was up late watching whatever
was on basic cable TV and came across a curious program. It was about Mormons,
and had video footage of ultra-righteous members talking about the “weird, deep”
doctrines like Polygamy in the afterlife and being eternally pregnant and seemed to be oblivious that it seemed weird to the world. It also
showed some of the Freemason rituals and talked about how the LDS church uses
them as well. I realized that it was an “anti-mormon” program, and I saw how
this was not the best spin on things,
but what struck me was the mason stuff. I
had never heard about it but they were making these claims. I figured it was
one of the “lies” told about the church to discredit it. I had learned about Ed Decker's methods, and figured that he epitomized all anti-mormon tactics.
I had come into contact with “anti-mormon” literature when I
happened to be in a Christian bookstore one time. Like a lot of it, it was
geared towards telling an already Christian believer why they should never join
the LDS church because it goes against the bible in a bunch of ways. It didn't
do any good to a Mormon audience as far as convincing them they were wrong; all
it did was further enforce the persecution complex and cause them the dig their
heels in deeper. The TIME article concerning the church’s finances came out,
further entrenching my persecution beliefs.
Ricks and Mission to Japan
During the summer after graduation, I got the chance to meet
some of the online friends I had made. In one case I had to ditch a family
reunion to do so, but I did it and made my way from Bountiful to Provo using
the bus system. My mom wasn't terribly thrilled with me on that one. But I
think I latched onto these online friends because we shared religious beliefs
(obviously) but they were more like me than most of my friends back home were.
Geek hadn't quite come to be chic yet, but here were people who accepted me.
The next fall, I enrolled at Ricks College in Rexburg, Idaho
(now
BYU-I). I had a blast, and like high school, had 2 or 3 groups of friends
I hung out with. I went to the weekly devotional with them as well as football
games and other activities. I have fond memories of “Killer Uno” games in the girls’
dorm, and all-night sessions of
Goldeneye 007 in the boys dorm. Through sheer
coincidence, 4 of the girls from my home ward were also in my Ricks ward. I
continued to meet with online friends in roadtrips to Provo, and my online
girlfriend would occasionally show up and stay with one of my female friends
when she was in town.
Incidentally, this is where I first learned about the “mormon
spy network,” when my mom left me a message that she knew my girlfriend had
been in town.
One interesting thing I noted about being absorbed in a totally LDS environment is that I wasn't required to keep my "armor" on all the time. I wasn't in the mode of constant defense of the church or being a "light unto the world," and I felt my testimony shrink a little. My friend from Montana told me the same thing,
as if a significant portion of our testimonies were based on fighting the perceived persecution and the need to constantly reassure ourselves that we were fighting the good fight.
Other than coming back a little late for curfew a couple of
times, I never broke the rules/honor code at Ricks, nor did I complain about
them like a lot of people did. I had friends whose church attendance was spotty
or non-existent because they didn't have a parent present to force them to go
or to be their alarm clock. I only missed once, and that was because my
roommate had locked me out Saturday night and I had to sleep in the laundry
room (don’t ask).
During Christmas break, my mom had pre-scheduled a bunch of
meetings with Bishop Librarian and President
Raconteur to get the ball rolling on my
mission papers, and also got me an appointment to pull my wisdom teeth. Some
weeks later, I got my call to serve in Japan in the Tokyo North mission. I was
excited to go to Japan because I had wanted to ever since my freshman year in
high school. But the reality set in that I would be out of the country soon,
and my studies didn't seem important. I stopped going to class and failed everything
that semester. Looking back, I think it was because I saw the mission as an
impending but necessary obstacle I was required to overcome before being taken
seriously as an adult or being able to really start my life on my own. In
preparation for it, I was trying to get in as much fun time as I could because
I knew I wouldn't be having a lot of it for a couple years.
I drove home to go to the Boise Idaho temple in March. It appeared
that my impending mission and first temple experience was going to be what
finally brought my long-inactive aunt and uncle back to full membership in the
church (they had recently become active again, but not yet temple-active). But
they didn't end up making it. Anyway, I thought the temple was a little weird,
but comforted by the fact that I was surrounded by family who thought it was
normal, so I put it out of my mind. The next day I overheard my mom talking on the phone about the aunt who didn't come and heard her mention that this aunt had been
freaked out about the penalties. The penalties combined with the thought of
having to pay all the “back-tithing” had kept them out. My mom said she had
reassured that they wouldn't have to pay back tithing, and that they had taken
the penalties out. I thought about the whole “penalty” thing but was too caught
up in the mission prep that I forgot about it for about 4 years.
A week after my 19th birthday, I entered the MTC
and began going to temple weekly. I have a penchant for memorizing movies and
it started to get boring at the temple. While I was there, I was able to give my first blessing, which didn't work. I soon adapted to the daily grind but had
trouble sleeping because I wasn't physically tired, nor was I allowed to have
my usual sleep aid (music). I tried asking about the Japanese people’s religious
beliefs so I could understand them better and form more effective ways of
approaching them, but my teachers told me to not worry about it and focus on my
knowledge of the gospel and everything would work itself out. It also bothered my how many of the boys there hadn't read the Book of Mormon even once. I had read it at least 5 times as a family, and at least 4 times myself. I certainly wasn't going to be one of those missionaries who went unprepared.
When I got to Japan, it was the first time I encountered a
culture beyond my own. I had a little culture-shock, but I soon adapted. Truth
be told, I was glad on the days when I had a sick companion and I got to stay
home. I looked forward to P-days when I could relax and stay home, but most of
my companions wanted to do stuff those days. I came to the conclusion that I
wasn't the most dedicated missionary in the world (mentally), but I was nowhere near the least.
I figured that at worst, I was being an enabler for my companion to do work. In
other words, I wasn't hindering him in any way. But I did my duties without complaint and followed the mission rules as best I could and became a Zone Leader near the end of my mission.
It was during the mission that I stopped praying. I just didn't see the results or the point anymore. I looked
forward to night because I could listen to my music, especially Phantom of the Opera
and Les Miserables . I also stopped reading the scriptures for study, and
instead read books like Jesus the Christ and others because I was bored with
the scriptures. I came across the “Tools for Missionaries” book that talked about
how they used these techniques to make the Tokyo South mission hugely
successful,
but by that time I knew about the atrocities that had gone on during the “Groberg Era”
in that mission. I also found a book that made a point very clearly that stuck
with me: If the BoM is True, then JS was a prophet, etc. If it is false, then
everything is false. It all came down to that one issue, which is why it has
been called the keystone to the mormon religion.
At some point, I wrote letter to Bishop Librarian about Masons
because it had been bothering me recently.
He wrote me back and gave me enough of
an apologist response that I was able to forget about it for a while. On my
farewell address, he called me a deep thinker, and I was thinking deeply about a
lot of things while in the Land of the Rising Sun. Overall, I loved my mission experience, and had slightly more success (i.e. baptisms) than most Japanese missionaries (though, some of them came just after I left the area).
Continued in Part 2
