Expecting Too Much

I recently had an experience where I was talking with someone about my reasons for leaving the church. The first thing that was asked about was if someone had offended me or something like that. I told him no, I wouldn’t let something petty like that get in the way of my eternal salvation, and proceeded to explain a few of my (legitimate) reasons. After I listed a few things and how I felt about them, he told me that I must not have been a very strong member to let those things bother me, and that I expected too much of the leaders of the church (read: held them to too high of a standard). But then he didn’t want to go any further into the conversation. Since I didn’t really get to respond to him, I’ll do so on this blog just to get my thoughts off my chest, even if it’s never read by him.This is the response to the “expected too much” jab. The other half was a previous post.


I am told that I became disillusioned when I learned that prophets were not perfect. I never expected perfection. On the contrary, believing that prophets were weak and mortal but called to a great work anyway was inspiring. It’s not their private behavior that is troubling (that’s what repentance was supposedly for). It’s their prophetic work, official statements, policies, published writing, and public teachings that are the problem. It's the fact that they don't really do what they say they're supposed to do. It's really summed up in a General Conference meme I saw last year made by a faithful member. It showed a wide shot of the Conference Center and the caption read, "Come see a Prophet, Seer, and Revelator." But the kicker was what someone else added to it. At the bottom was another caption that read, "literally do none of those things."

Maybe it's because I was taught from birth how cool it was that we had an actual prophet - someone who talks with Jesus and God regularly passing on the info we need. I mean, we read about cool prophets and apostles in the scriptures, like Moses, Elijah, Peter, Paul, Nephi, and Alma. And then we're told in countless lessons that in SLC, less than a 6 hour drive away from where I was raised, was today's equivalent. Other talks had stories of non-members observing that if we didn't know what the prophet had to say this month, then we must not really consider him a prophet worth following (the underlying message was: "Renew your Ensign subscription"). But I don't expect perfect prophet. But here what I do expect:

• I do expect prophets to avoid a century of making racist statements, official policies, and doctrine.

• I do expect prophets to not marry young girls or other men’s wives.

• I do expect prophets to not lie about polygamy.

• I do expect a prophet to be ahead of his time (not behind it) in racial, gender, sexual issues. Either get ahead of the issues or stick to your position because aligning with social norms a decade or two late, just looks very…non-prophetic.

• I do expect a prophet to not go on national television and say that we don’t teach things that are at the very heart of our doctrine.

• I do expect a prophet to know when they are being conned (Kinderhook Plates, the Mark Hofmann forgeries, etc) since we teach how BoM prophets are able to confound opponents and know their thoughts like Ammon did. 

• I do expect a prophet to give a full accounting of the billions and billions in revenues and expenditures to his followers

• I do expect a prophet to perform miracles. Why were the two Christian doctors with ebola flown straight to Atlanta and not Salt Lake? I know, I know, I'm being unreasonable here. That would be to close to expecting a perfect prophet. Retracted.

• I do expect a prophet to prophesy.
  
• I do expect a prophet to not lie when asked a direct question, and then hem and haw about it when he realizes that he has been caught. 

• I expect a prophet to discern between speaking as a man and speaking for God. If he can't tell, what good is he? It's like a compass that works 50% of the time. You're not blessed for following it.

• I do expect a prophet to see and talk with God and Jesus and not change who was or wasn't there each time the story is told.

• If I sustain a prophet, seer and revelator, I expect more than just day-to-day administration of a corporation.

• If I sustain an individual as President or representative of an organization, I expect them to speak for that organization - NOT hide behind a PR Newsroom.

In short, I expect a prophet to be like the ones in the scriptures, if they really are prophets. Of course, what I think now is that the deeds of past prophets are probably more akin to the feats of Hercules in the recent movie starring Dwayne Johnson - basically exaggerated oral tales.

But now we are told to, "Give Brother Joseph" a break (something I'm sure they intend to for us to extend to any one of the 'brothern' that make up the top 15, past and present). Like I said, I'm fine with people not being perfect. But if it's okay in God's eyes for a prophet to screw something up now and again and accidentally have incorrect doctrine/policies, why did he abandon the Catholic church if he's fine with all of these things? Why did they need a restoration? If, despite a clear line back to the early Christian church, proper authority through laying on of hands needed to be restored, why not just have Peter, James, and John give it to the Pope and instantly have a billion people in his true church? I don't feel the need to answer these questions myself as an agnostic, but I doubt any Mormon apologist has a good answer for this.

And I am always dumbfounded by the defense True Believing Mormons make of apostles that they are just "products of their time," or they, "grew up in a different culture," while the "prophets" are constantly telling us to not be influenced by the trends of our day. But it's somehow ok that they are apparently steeped in the trends of THEIR day. I thought the whole reason why we needed a prophet was to rise above popular sentiment and show us truth. How come none of them realized that American racism was a bad thing? How about a teaching or two about the advancement of women (not the advice to wear lipstick)?

To use a sports analogy, it gets tiring putting on a front to the world about how the Chicago Cubs are the perpetually the greatest perennial undefeated World Series team when reality says something far different. Sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade and realize that these are just businessmen running a corporation, not inspired leaders of a church who talk with Jesus. It's funny how obvious it is once you let yourself see it and think about it without all the brainwashing that comes with it, kinda like "the Cheerleader Effect" from How I Met Your Mother (apologies on the helium voices in the clip - it's not mine). Once the illusion is broken, you can't get it back. Kinda like believing in Santa. 

Lastly, the church often uses the phrase, "By their fruits ye shall know them," usually referring to knowing if someone is of Christ or of the Devil by seeing what kind of acts they do. I believe that applies in this situation, as well. From what I can see, their fruits are similar to those I would expect of a corporate head, and not the fruits of a prophet (i.e., prophecies, translations, etc.). 

My "Church Pedigree"

I recently had an experience where I was talking with someone about my reasons for leaving the church. The first thing that was asked about was if someone had offended me or something like that. I told him no, I wouldn’t let something petty like that get in the way of my eternal salvation, and proceeded to explain a few of my (legitimate) reasons.

After I listed a few things and how I felt about them, he told me that I must not have been a very strong member to let those things bother me, and that I expected too much of the leaders of the church (read: held them to too high of a standard). But then he didn’t want to go any further into the conversation. Since I didn’t really get to respond to him, I’ll do so on this blog just to get my thoughts off my chest, even if it’s never read by him.

This is the response to the “wasn’t a very strong member” jab. The other half will be another post.

One accusation often flung at people who leave the church is something along the lines that they didn’t really believe, or weren’t really faithful (often accompanied by the ‘No True Scotsman’ fallacy). Or that they were lazy, or just possibly wanted to sin. It’s really condescending, as there are many legitimate reasons to leave an organization.

But just to put it out there, here is my “church pedigree,” presented as a checklist with a longer explanation afterwards.

√  Born in the Covenant

√  Baptized at age 8

√  Ordained to Aaronic Priesthood at age 12

√  Promoted to office of Teacher at age 14

√  Promoted to office of Priest at age 16

√  Received Patriarchal Blessing at age 16

√  Received Eagle Scout Award at age 17

√  Graduated Seminary with near perfect attendance

√  Ordained to Melchizedek Priesthood at age 18

√  Attended Ricks College for a year

√  Received Endowment in Boise Temple at age 18

√  Served a faithful mission in Japan

√  Married in Timpanogos Temple at age 22

√  Paid tithing in full from 9^th grade on, and kept a current
        Temple Recommend until about a year before we left the church

□  Graduated Institute

□  Always did my Home Teaching

I was BIC, or ‘born in the covenant,’ meaning that my parents had been sealed together in the temple before I was born. I come from pioneer stock on my mom’s side (William Clayton, if you must know), and all my extended family were members of the church. We had FHE most weeks, and started reading scriptures almost every night as a family. I was baptized at 8 years old, and received the Aaronic priesthood at age 12. During my stint as a deacon, I showed up on time and passed the sacrament without complaint, and served as the quorum’s secretary.

I think it was also during this time that one Sunday we had a substitute Deacons Quorum teacher (J Sher) who had forgotten he had agreed to teach. He told us all to pile into his car and he drove us to Albertson’s. When he pulled into the parking lot, he instructed us to stay in the car. About 5 minutes later he came out with some kind of ice cream bars and passed them out to us. My cousin Jason happened to be visiting that day, and he thought it was great, and asked if this was what we did every week. I refused to eat the ice cream, as I knew it had been purchased on the Sabbath day.

At age 14, I moved into the Teacher’s quorum, where I was usually the first boy to start preparing the sacrament each week (though the credit for that can be mostly given to my dad, who went to church a little early to secure his favorite parking spot and bench). But there were many weeks where I was the only one who had prepared the sacrament except for the last 2 or 3 minutes. I didn’t complain, but wondered what would happen if I didn’t show up early.

When I started Seminary, I missed a few days during my freshman year because I had stayed home sick. But I’m pretty sure I only missed maybe 1 other day during the entire next three years. This was made possible by the A/B rollover schedule we switched to, and I usually had my math, seminary, and my other favorite classes on the same day. The result was that I only missed the other days.

As a priest, I think I blessed the sacrament probably all but maybe 15 weeks during those 2 years (and those were usually vacation or sick days). I received my Patriarchal Blessing, and was asked to be the seminary class president, and then during my senior year to be on the Seminary Council. I also baptized my younger brother because my dad wasn’t being the most active member at the time.

I read the Book of Mormon on my own (in addition to scripture study with my family) and reported to the bishop on my progress. I also took it upon myself to go online and defend the church in chat rooms, to better know what I would be against while on my mission.

After graduating Seminary and high school, I went to RicksCollege (in the 2^nd to last year it was Ricks), and continued my streak of church attendance. The only day I missed was the night I got locked out of my room (long story) and I had to sleep in the laundry room (because it was the only warm place).

I spent most of my visits home from school in some sort of mission prep function, like getting my wisdom teeth out, going through the temple, or attending interviews. By the time I left for the MTC, I had read the Book of Mormon probably 5 times as a family, and twice on my own. While in the MTC, I was disheartened at how little most of the other missionaries knew about basic gospel principles, or even the contents of the Book of Mormon.

I served a mission to Japan, a country not known for its hoards of converts, while learning a language with a reputation for being difficult. After 9 months in the field I became a trainer, and a few months later a District Leader. I moved up to Zone Leader for 4 months before going home. I followed the mission rules strictly, and other than the days I had a sick companion, we were out doing some kind of missionary work every day (except for the one time my companion and I saw Star Wars. C’mon, it’s Star Wars). The one time I broke the Word of Wisdom also happened there, when I accidentally got half a mouthful of green tea by mistake. Other than that, the only WoW infractions I incurred were eating fruit out of season or eating meat when there was no famine (nor did I use tobacco to heal bruised cattle).

When I got home, I moved to Utah and was married in the temple within the year. After around 2 and a half years of living in the new ward, I was asked to be the Elders Quorum President. I declined, as we had a newborn and I was working fulltime and attending night school fulltime. I also had experienced the beginnings of my faith crisis, and felt that the ward deserved someone who fully believed. The ward had a major division between those established in homes and those in apartments. The apartment dwellers were usually snubbed when it came to callings of any significance, so it was kind of a big deal to me. I accepted the calling of Sunday School President until we moved. After being in our new ward about a year, I was asked to be the 1^st Counselor in the EQP. I accepted because the President was my friend who had also served a mission in Japan, and whom I had a lot in common. I did that for 3 years before being asked to move up to President again, which I again declined.

And one more thing to add - I knew the Book of Mormon so well that Anne and I used to play this game where she would pick a random verse and start reading, then I would tell her book and chapter (I only got stumped twice).

About the only 2 dings on my record are that my home teaching dedication wasn’t always the best, and I didn’t go to institute (unless you count the year at Ricks).

It wasn’t until 6 years in “Scouter Darkness” that we ended up leaving the church, during which I paid tithing in full and did everything else I needed to do to keep a current Temple Recommend.


And during that time was when I was working through my faith crisis, desperately trying to find ways to do mental gymnastics to make things work and find ways to keep believing despite my nagging doubts that kept refusing to stay tucked away on “the shelf” of issues in my mind.

So, if I may be so bold, don’t you DARE accuse me of being a lukewarm member! I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to. It wasn't because I was a weak-willed member who was, "seduced by the Dark Side of the Force," after reading "anti-Mormon" lies. It was learning about all the true facts about church history that were hidden from me, and confirming them from church-approved websites that did it. The fact that they came out and admitted to a lot of these things only confirms my decision.

Edit/Update: I don't want it to sound like I think I'm perfect. I was far from it, making my share of mistakes including not always treating my brothers nicely (like the usual brotherly teasing). But on the things that might be considered on "the checklist," I took care of it. 

Long But a Good Read

I really enjoyed this blog post. It is long but a very good read and explains a lot of my feelings and thoughts as well.

 http://www.linkingarms.org/2015/10/21/authentically-healthier-and-happier-in-most-ways/